37X122 - The Bench
Latitude X Longitude = 37.826849 X 122.500143
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Kim Downing – My Best Friend 7/23/1957 – 10/12/2022
2 years gone
As we sat there on the bench watching the sun seep slowly down to the
crest of the horizon where the sky meets the Pacific.
The music source was the fog horns of the Golden Gate bridge just over our left shoulder.
You could hear the waves breaking at the shoreline in a cadence reminiscent of a whales song.
Your head on my shoulder, your breath within reach.
A half smile of contentment with closed eyes graced your beautiful face.
A warmth from your body penetrated my soul like no other security known to me.
I kept my arm around you constantly as to signify my purpose on this planet.
My purpose was to not only protect you, but to make you feel protected.
This nightly ritual was one that I always hoped would never end, but it did end every night at sunset.
Eventually it ended forever. You are no longer here to take in what we thought was just ours.
We often thought we would be sitting there when we were 100 years old.
I have not been back there since you went away.
I am not sure if I can ever relive those nights in that particular place.
I often wonder if seeing the sun set into the Pacific will present emotions
I am not capable of handling. I have given it much thought.
I long to be on the Pacific side of the world again, but what will my reaction
be as the sun departs the day?
Will I feel a grand memory laced with much joy of how I shared this
moment with my best friend for years?
Will I be stricken with a grief so powerful that I will become disabled?
I have no way of knowing how I will react if I am graced with that moment again in my future.
I am thankful for the hundreds of sunset nights with my best friend, but I am
angry at the hundreds yet to experience while alone.
I lost my sunset passenger two years ago and I am still just as broken as I was then.
The first year was learning from so many friends, family and
other people qualified to give an opinion, that the grief will always be there.
Some said it would lessen a bit in time, others said I will always hurt.
i think both sources are correct.
When I think about my best friend, I am in as
much pain today as I was the day she left me.
When distracted, I forget to grieve and fortunately I have more distractions these days.
The bench we enjoyed for our nightly love affair with the sun and ocean has been removed.
I do not know why, I just know that it is now gone.
I do not want to know why the bench is missing.
I want to think that it left shortly after you did as if there was a connection.
The romantic thought my mind created was that if Kim cannot sit here, no one can.
I will continue to believe this version.
It is the version i know you would have approved.
The only thing i have really learned about you absence is that we shared the greatest love of all.
Oh, what a lucky man i am.
Kim Downing – My Best Friend 7/23/1957 – 10/12/2022
2 years gone
As we sat there on the bench watching the sun seep slowly down to the
crest of the horizon where the sky meets the Pacific.
The music source was the fog horns of the Golden Gate bridge just over our left shoulder.
You could hear the waves breaking at the shoreline in a cadence reminiscent of a whales song.
Your head on my shoulder, your breath within reach.
A half smile of contentment with closed eyes graced your beautiful face.
A warmth from your body penetrated my soul like no other security known to me.
I kept my arm around you constantly as to signify my purpose on this planet.
My purpose was to not only protect you, but to make you feel protected.
This nightly ritual was one that I always hoped would never end, but it did end every night at sunset.
Eventually it ended forever. You are no longer here to take in what we thought was just ours.
We often thought we would be sitting there when we were 100 years old.
I have not been back there since you went away.
I am not sure if I can ever relive those nights in that particular place.
I often wonder if seeing the sun set into the Pacific will present emotions
I am not capable of handling. I have given it much thought.
I long to be on the Pacific side of the world again, but what will my reaction
be as the sun departs the day?
Will I feel a grand memory laced with much joy of how I shared this
moment with my best friend for years?
Will I be stricken with a grief so powerful that I will become disabled?
I have no way of knowing how I will react if I am graced with that moment again in my future.
I am thankful for the hundreds of sunset nights with my best friend, but I am
angry at the hundreds yet to experience while alone.
I lost my sunset passenger two years ago and I am still just as broken as I was then.
The first year was learning from so many friends, family and
other people qualified to give an opinion, that the grief will always be there.
Some said it would lessen a bit in time, others said I will always hurt.
i think both sources are correct.
When I think about my best friend, I am in as
much pain today as I was the day she left me.
When distracted, I forget to grieve and fortunately I have more distractions these days.
The bench we enjoyed for our nightly love affair with the sun and ocean has been removed.
I do not know why, I just know that it is now gone.
I do not want to know why the bench is missing.
I want to think that it left shortly after you did as if there was a connection.
The romantic thought my mind created was that if Kim cannot sit here, no one can.
I will continue to believe this version.
It is the version i know you would have approved.
The only thing i have really learned about you absence is that we shared the greatest love of all.
Oh, what a lucky man i am.
Kim Downing – My Best Friend
7/23/1957 – 10/12/2022
It has been one year and the pain of your absence is as palpable today as it ever was.
We greeted each other every morning with a hug that required no words, just a long embrace.
I am so thankful I was able to tell you “I love you” everyday and had the
pleasure of holding your hand whenever we walked.
I miss hearing your voice everyday. I especially miss hearing you say “I need you” and of course I would say it right back and our hug would become little tighter and you would coo.
I miss seeing that beautiful smile of yours that you not only gave to me,
but to every one you encountered.
I miss so many things, like covering your ears every morning before you turn on the blender, rubbing your feet at bedtime, doing jigsaw puzzles with you at the dining room table,
sitting out at the firepit to watch the sun set.
Doing karaoke with you and walking up behind you and giving you that hug from the back.
I miss exploring with you, hiking in the parks, filming wildlife.
I miss exploring with you, hiking in the parks, filming wildlife.
But, most of all, I miss watching you paint.
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Oh, how I miss you.
There were things we said every day to each other, things that were special to just you and I.
I still find myself saying them out loud, but now I am the only one that hears them.
Oh how I wish you were here.
We introduced so many things to each other. We had the same interests, the same sense of
adventure and the same sick sense of humor.
We would quote lines from movies and make them our own.
We finished each others sentences to a degree of eeriness.
Then we would look at each other in astonishment.
I still find myself saying them out loud, but now I am the only one that hears them.
Oh how I wish you were here.
We introduced so many things to each other. We had the same interests, the same sense of
adventure and the same sick sense of humor.
We would quote lines from movies and make them our own.
We finished each others sentences to a degree of eeriness.
Then we would look at each other in astonishment.
I remember the first time I walked in to your place of business,
I tried to be jovial as I flirted with you, showing off with a quote from a Monty Python skit.
You later confessed you thought I was very smart.
I had to come clean and let you know it was a stolen line.
I later introduced you to Monty Python.
Although we were both artists we somehow ended up in the technical fields.
You later confessed you thought I was very smart.
I had to come clean and let you know it was a stolen line.
I later introduced you to Monty Python.
Although we were both artists we somehow ended up in the technical fields.
We shared the same interests in food, music, colors, friends and photography.
We loved spontaneous road trips without a destination.
We enjoyed art museums and we loved sunsets.
We enjoyed art museums and we loved sunsets.
We met in Arlington, VA., right across the Potomac River from Washington, DC.
This is where we became a pair.
This is where we became a pair.
Our first day date was visiting all of the Smithsonian Museums. We had such a great time doing that and over the years we explored all the government buildings,
every museum every historic landmark and just about every restaurant.
every museum every historic landmark and just about every restaurant.
I remember the first time I grabbed your hand. We were crossing
Constitution Avenue in Washington DC.
You told me later that day how much you enjoyed that and how it made you feel safe.
I never forgot that. From that point on, I wanted to hold your hand all the time.
You had the most beautiful hands.
Our adventures took us from the east coast to the west coast and to Alaska and back.
We left the DC area and relocated to the San Francisco Bay Area.
From there we went to Alaska, then back to California
before heading back to the east where it all began.
When we lived in the Bay Area the first time, we had a spot that we drove to almost
every night for sunset. It was a mountain in Marin County called Tamalpais.
We would drive to the top and watch the sun disappear into the ocean.
We left the DC area and relocated to the San Francisco Bay Area.
From there we went to Alaska, then back to California
before heading back to the east where it all began.
When we lived in the Bay Area the first time, we had a spot that we drove to almost
every night for sunset. It was a mountain in Marin County called Tamalpais.
We would drive to the top and watch the sun disappear into the ocean.
After that first ten years in the bay area we headed to my home, Alaska.
We bought a school bus, loaded it up and proceeded north for the
Alcan Highway through British Columbia and the Yukon Territory.
We spent four years in Alaska before coming back to the bay area.
We had so many great adventures in Alaska, like the time we went to the top
of the Chugach mountains at 2:30AM in the morning after receiving the special phone
call to catch one of the grandest displays of the aurora borealis.
It was common for people in Alaska to give the Northern Lights phone call,
which was usually in the middle of the night.
You answer the phone with a "hello" and someone on the other end utters
just two words, "they're out" and you both hang up.
We had seen the aurora many times but this one was a rare red, green, purple pulsing display.
We watched the pulsing and streaking for almost two hours in a minus twenty degree temperature snuggled tightly in blankets.
We bought a school bus, loaded it up and proceeded north for the
Alcan Highway through British Columbia and the Yukon Territory.
We spent four years in Alaska before coming back to the bay area.
We had so many great adventures in Alaska, like the time we went to the top
of the Chugach mountains at 2:30AM in the morning after receiving the special phone
call to catch one of the grandest displays of the aurora borealis.
It was common for people in Alaska to give the Northern Lights phone call,
which was usually in the middle of the night.
You answer the phone with a "hello" and someone on the other end utters
just two words, "they're out" and you both hang up.
We had seen the aurora many times but this one was a rare red, green, purple pulsing display.
We watched the pulsing and streaking for almost two hours in a minus twenty degree temperature snuggled tightly in blankets.
We also explored so many of the gold and copper mines in the small towns
as well as the roadhouses and taverns along the back roads.
Oh how you loved an Alaskan road trip, stopping at every possible stop,
especially if it had a view of your mountain.
You were so awe stricken with Mount Denali.
You would stare at it for hours and I would stare at you.
as well as the roadhouses and taverns along the back roads.
Oh how you loved an Alaskan road trip, stopping at every possible stop,
especially if it had a view of your mountain.
You were so awe stricken with Mount Denali.
You would stare at it for hours and I would stare at you.
We often reminisced about the time we flew around Mount Denali in a seaplane with some of our friends from California and being dropped off in the middle of nowhere
for a quick lunch, then back on the plane to continue flying.
Our trips to Denali Park where you could see grizzly bears walking along the Toklat river thrilled you.
You were mesmerized by all the wildlife you were introduced to, living in Alaska.
- grizzly bears
- black bears
- wolf
- sheep
- bald eagles
- caribou
- fox
- moose
- raven
- ptarmigan
- lynx
- orcas
- beluga whales
- humpback whales
- otters
- seals
- sea lions
- walrus
- and salmon running up stream by the thousands.
After dropping me off at work each morning, you would drive to two special places.
The first place was a pair of nesting Bald eagles at Government Hill near downtown Anchorage, which you referred to as your babies.
The other place was Earthquake Park and Point Woronzof where all the moose
were hanging out behind the airport.
This was also a place you could see your mountain across the inlet.
were hanging out behind the airport.
This was also a place you could see your mountain across the inlet.
Leaving Alaska brought us back to California a second time.
There was a place approximately a one minute drive from our house.
It was near Hawk Hill in the Marin headlands.
There were three benches there overlooking the Pacific ocean
There was a place approximately a one minute drive from our house.
It was near Hawk Hill in the Marin headlands.
There were three benches there overlooking the Pacific ocean
with the Point Bonita Lighthouse directly in front of us
and the Farallon Islands just 30 miles off in
the distance and the Golden Gate Bridge just over our left shoulder.
the distance and the Golden Gate Bridge just over our left shoulder.
If it was foggy, the fog horns of the Golden Gate Bridge would make for a very romantic setting.
We always snuggled close to one another on that bench and sat in silence.
Of course sometimes I would sing softly into your ear.
We always snuggled close to one another on that bench and sat in silence.
Of course sometimes I would sing softly into your ear.
I so loved how you would close your eyes and rest your head on my shoulder when I sang.
What a lucky man I was.
What a lucky man I was.
We liked this place so much that in 2003 we built a website around it named
for the latitude and longitude of the middle bench, which is where we sat every time.
Just like you, that middle bench is now gone. But that spot will always be.
for the latitude and longitude of the middle bench, which is where we sat every time.
Just like you, that middle bench is now gone. But that spot will always be.
In 2008 the collapse of our economy happened.
That's when we headed back to the east to be near family and your ailing mom.
We settled in Richmond, VA, just 45 minutes from your mom and close to other relatives as well.
I retired in 2017 and you retired at the beginning of 2020 and our plan was to go back to the San Francisco bay area for a third time, which we both missed enormously, but the cost of
living in California had skyrocketed to such an unbelievable point that we thought it smart
to come up with an alternative location with a more comfortable cost
of living before heading back to the Pacific coast.
One of the alternative places I suggested was Alaska, which surprisingly
to me, you were not opposed.
Although you kept reminding me about how much I didn't like the dark winters up there.
I think you were more into it than I was.
West Virginia
You were born and raised in Charleston, WV and your childhood best friend was still there,
so I suggested we give it a shot until we felt like we were ready to go back to California.
You were not 100% on board with that idea but after looking at some houses
in the area, you had a change of heart.
So you and I ended up moving to Charleston where it all began for you.
We found a great house in a great neighborhood.
You fell in love with it and we bought it. A dream come true.
After a short period, you were very happy that we made that decision.
We had some really great neighbors too.
Our combined meager retirement incomes were going to allow us a simple life.
But as I have learned, life often surprises you when you least expect it.
You were so happy to be near your childhood friend, still close to family as well.
I was just happy to see you happy.
But as I have learned, life often surprises you when you least expect it.
You were so happy to be near your childhood friend, still close to family as well.
I was just happy to see you happy.
You began to reminisce about your youth, taking me to so many different places to share in
the different milestones of your childhood.
You took me to your schools, your parks, your hangouts, the house you grew up in, where you
planted that pine tree in the back yard when you were just a child.
the different milestones of your childhood.
You took me to your schools, your parks, your hangouts, the house you grew up in, where you
planted that pine tree in the back yard when you were just a child.
I remember in the mid 80's you brought me to that house, to show me that pine tree,
which then was about 30' tall and I could never have imagined that I would be living that same neighborhood nearly three and a half decades later.
When we bought our house here in 2020, you planted a baby pine tree in the back yard as a token
reminder of your youth as well as a good luck charm.
It was just a few inches tall and now that tree is now about 5' tall and I water it almost daily
and I talk to it everyday, knowing you can hear me.
Medical
You started having some medical issues about the time we relocated to the Charleston area.
Several internal organs were acting up, causing a couple of
surgeries in the last couple of years of your life.
I am so thankful it was me that had the privilege and honor
of taking care of you when you were broken.
Your energy was slowly disappearing and so much of your
time was spent on the phone with medical people.
There were so many different opinions as to what was ailing you
and a common consensus was never reached.
Test after test did not give us the right answers.
We drove many hours many times to different specialists in different
cities to unfortunately get different answers.
Our couple of mile daily walks shortened to just two or three blocks.
Our workout routine at home became too much for you to do. You tired easily.
Our hug times became longer and more often.
I knew you were worried, so was I.
Several internal organs were acting up, causing a couple of
surgeries in the last couple of years of your life.
I am so thankful it was me that had the privilege and honor
of taking care of you when you were broken.
Your energy was slowly disappearing and so much of your
time was spent on the phone with medical people.
There were so many different opinions as to what was ailing you
and a common consensus was never reached.
Test after test did not give us the right answers.
We drove many hours many times to different specialists in different
cities to unfortunately get different answers.
Our couple of mile daily walks shortened to just two or three blocks.
Our workout routine at home became too much for you to do. You tired easily.
Our hug times became longer and more often.
I knew you were worried, so was I.
Hospital
October 6th around 11:30PM you woke me and asked me to take your blood pressure,
you thought it might be a little high. It wasn't.
I asked if you wanted to go to the emergency room, you said no,
I'm just going to lay on the couch here,
so I pulled the second couch up to you, so we could lay together
and I could hold you. I fell asleep holding you.
You woke me again at midnight and said let's go to the emergency room.
Nothing more was said, you sat up and I rushed to get us out the door.
You had remained dressed as if you knew you might go.
I too was dressed and ready.
It was a slow walk to the car, one I will never forget.
We flew to the hospital and by the time we got there, you were in so much pain,
you screamed so loud and I was yelling for help to get you out of this pain.
It seemed like an eternity to get someone to help us.
I tormented over you being in any kind of pain.
It was more than I could handle as your protector.
I hugged your little face for support because I could not stand it that you were hurting.
Your pain became so overwhelming, you screamed so loud and you bit my arm without knowing what you were doing, I let out an ouch and you said I'm sorry.
I'm sorry......
you thought it might be a little high. It wasn't.
I asked if you wanted to go to the emergency room, you said no,
I'm just going to lay on the couch here,
so I pulled the second couch up to you, so we could lay together
and I could hold you. I fell asleep holding you.
You woke me again at midnight and said let's go to the emergency room.
Nothing more was said, you sat up and I rushed to get us out the door.
You had remained dressed as if you knew you might go.
I too was dressed and ready.
It was a slow walk to the car, one I will never forget.
We flew to the hospital and by the time we got there, you were in so much pain,
you screamed so loud and I was yelling for help to get you out of this pain.
It seemed like an eternity to get someone to help us.
I tormented over you being in any kind of pain.
It was more than I could handle as your protector.
I hugged your little face for support because I could not stand it that you were hurting.
Your pain became so overwhelming, you screamed so loud and you bit my arm without knowing what you were doing, I let out an ouch and you said I'm sorry.
I'm sorry......
Those were the last two words you spoke to me and those two words will surely echo in my head until the end of time, like they are right now as I write this.
It was at that point that they sedated you, you closed your eyes and
I had no idea that would be the last time they were open.
I had no idea that would be the last time they were open.
You were in a coma just a few hours later and they moved you to the ICU unit on the second floor.
The second floor where you were born.
The second floor where you were born.
Such an irony to begin and end a life on the same floor of the same
hospital after having traveled so many places during that 65 years.
hospital after having traveled so many places during that 65 years.
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Although when you were in the coma and I was face to face with you every day,
I would open your eyes in hopes that you could see me.
As I was holding your eyelids open, I would say things like
“I know you can see me, so you wake up this very minute young lady.”
Oh, how I miss you.
I didn't want that bite mark on my arm to disappear since it was
the last reminder I had of you being awake.
the last reminder I had of you being awake.
I will never be able to convey my feelings about that final week.
My emotions jumped from fear to panic to grief to anger.
These are the four torturous stages I endure every day.
My emotions jumped from fear to panic to grief to anger.
These are the four torturous stages I endure every day.
It's different than in the movies. In the movies, they can save you, give you
new organs, second chances on life, but my reality was different.
I was not going to get the Hollywood ending.
This is not fair. You are much too young to leave and I am too scared to be alone.
new organs, second chances on life, but my reality was different.
I was not going to get the Hollywood ending.
This is not fair. You are much too young to leave and I am too scared to be alone.
I was not allowed into the ICU until noon each day and was forced out at by 7:00PM,
but at least they would set up an iPad by your bed for a face-time session all night,
so I could watch you when I wasn't there.
I'm sure I didn't sleep more than an hour or two each night. I don't remember bathing
that week. I don't even remember eating those last six days.
I do remember the nursing staff bringing me food and snacks and
plenty of water during the day, although
I never really had much of an appetite when I was there.
I couldn't tell you what the weather was like that week, what I wore,
or if I even changed clothes, which I don't think I did.
I wanted to remain dressed at all times just in case I got a call from the hospital.
but at least they would set up an iPad by your bed for a face-time session all night,
so I could watch you when I wasn't there.
I'm sure I didn't sleep more than an hour or two each night. I don't remember bathing
that week. I don't even remember eating those last six days.
I do remember the nursing staff bringing me food and snacks and
plenty of water during the day, although
I never really had much of an appetite when I was there.
I couldn't tell you what the weather was like that week, what I wore,
or if I even changed clothes, which I don't think I did.
I wanted to remain dressed at all times just in case I got a call from the hospital.
I have no memory of anything other than staring at you wondering what on earth to do.
I was so confused and lost like I am now as I write this.
When I was with you during the day, I stood the whole time so I could stay
in physical contact with you every second.
My hand was always on your leg or arm or face. I kept my lips pressed to your face
most of the time. I spoke to you constantly begging you to wake up.
I was so confused and lost like I am now as I write this.
When I was with you during the day, I stood the whole time so I could stay
in physical contact with you every second.
My hand was always on your leg or arm or face. I kept my lips pressed to your face
most of the time. I spoke to you constantly begging you to wake up.
Sometimes I would sing softly into your ear.
But that would only last a few moments because it was an instant reminder
that we were not singing together and staring in each others eyes, like we used to.
Oh, how I miss you.
But that would only last a few moments because it was an instant reminder
that we were not singing together and staring in each others eyes, like we used to.
Oh, how I miss you.
About two days prior to your death they told me I could stay as long as I wanted, no curfew.
My heart sunk right then, since I knew that was their way of telling me the outlook was not good.
My heart sunk right then, since I knew that was their way of telling me the outlook was not good.
I started to panic, I started to cry, I could not stop and I didn't care
about my surroundings and I did not know what to do.
As quick witted and fast thinking as I had always been,
I found myself completely lost. I mean lost.
I now understand what complete confusion feels like.
about my surroundings and I did not know what to do.
As quick witted and fast thinking as I had always been,
I found myself completely lost. I mean lost.
I now understand what complete confusion feels like.
Although these six days were the most torturous of my life, it was the final
two days that kept me in a constant state of fear.
I was a basket case. If someone had asked me my name, I would have responded "I don't know."
two days that kept me in a constant state of fear.
I was a basket case. If someone had asked me my name, I would have responded "I don't know."
On the afternoon of the 12th a nurse walked in and looked at me and said “her official time of death was 2:32PM” and I immediately pressed my lips to your face in hopes of hanging on to
that last bit of warmth.
I became inconsolable at that moment.
I wanted to climb in bed with you, close my eyes and stay with you forever.
Wherever you were going, I was going.
I kept my lips against you for about thirty minutes and I could tell the warmth
was slowly leaving your body as my spirit was leaving mine.
that last bit of warmth.
I became inconsolable at that moment.
I wanted to climb in bed with you, close my eyes and stay with you forever.
Wherever you were going, I was going.
I kept my lips against you for about thirty minutes and I could tell the warmth
was slowly leaving your body as my spirit was leaving mine.
They politely asked me to leave.
One nurse came and put her hand on my shoulder and said "it is time for you to let go."
That nurse was also teary-eyed.
One nurse came and put her hand on my shoulder and said "it is time for you to let go."
That nurse was also teary-eyed.
I often reflect on those nurses, thinking what a tough job they have,
with the emotions they have to endure daily.
with the emotions they have to endure daily.
As I was walking out of the ICU and slowly down the hall,
I was in a daze which brought on such a feeling of guilt.
I was leaving my best friend behind with others, abandoning you,
which was not something I was emotionally capable of.
More panic started to set in as my roller coaster ride began.
I kept wanting to turn around, go back and tell them I could not leave you. I was so confused.
I am still confused a year later.
I was in a daze which brought on such a feeling of guilt.
I was leaving my best friend behind with others, abandoning you,
which was not something I was emotionally capable of.
More panic started to set in as my roller coaster ride began.
I kept wanting to turn around, go back and tell them I could not leave you. I was so confused.
I am still confused a year later.
Most days I am angry wondering why you are not here, wondering what to do and how to do it.
As stable as I have always been, I am for the first time disabled without you by my side.
As stable as I have always been, I am for the first time disabled without you by my side.
Although we spent nearly four decades together in close proximity,
there are a hundred things I do not know.
It's like that funny joke about the husband not knowing where things are kept.
Turns out it isn't funny at all. I am still searching for certain things a year later.
I feel lost most of the time.
there are a hundred things I do not know.
It's like that funny joke about the husband not knowing where things are kept.
Turns out it isn't funny at all. I am still searching for certain things a year later.
I feel lost most of the time.
I now realize how much you took care of me.
All those things you did, the calls you made, the connections you kept.
All the cards you gave to others, the errands you ran, the meals you cooked,
the budgeting you performed.
All the constant daily reminders to me of what I am supposed to do.
All those things you did, the calls you made, the connections you kept.
All the cards you gave to others, the errands you ran, the meals you cooked,
the budgeting you performed.
All the constant daily reminders to me of what I am supposed to do.
All this time I thought I was taking care of you.
I was only mowing the yard, you were doing everything else.
Oh, how I miss you.
I was only mowing the yard, you were doing everything else.
Oh, how I miss you.
I now wake every day the same way I fall asleep, totally engulfed with thoughts of you.
I have reached so many conclusions about my life going forward without you.
Those conclusions change daily and they all seem dim.
I have reached so many conclusions about my life going forward without you.
Those conclusions change daily and they all seem dim.
It is only after your death that I have come to realize you were aware of
your mortality to a degree and somewhat prepared for it.
You did not complain, you didn't ask for special treatment. You kept those fears to yourself.
You accepted life just the way it was dealt to you on all levels. You were so brave. You inspire me.
your mortality to a degree and somewhat prepared for it.
You did not complain, you didn't ask for special treatment. You kept those fears to yourself.
You accepted life just the way it was dealt to you on all levels. You were so brave. You inspire me.
I have found so many of your letters, post-it notes, journal entries and cards you wrote.
Journals about your closest friends and what they meant to you.
Those diaries would melt anyone's heart.
You truly loved and appreciated your friends.
You spent pages admiring their attributes and love.
You gave some of them an entire journal with entries that spanned years.
Those diaries would melt anyone's heart.
You truly loved and appreciated your friends.
You spent pages admiring their attributes and love.
You gave some of them an entire journal with entries that spanned years.
It is only now that you are gone, that I am finding all the evidence of your prolific writing ability.
There are hundreds of your writings, some a half page, others many pages.
You were just stuffing them in all your little private storage boxes.
Stowed away for a later time.
There are hundreds of your writings, some a half page, others many pages.
You were just stuffing them in all your little private storage boxes.
Stowed away for a later time.
I know from the letters you wrote about me that you did love me as much as I loved you.
It is so humbling to read your kind words.
You thanked me for every little thing I did, every thing I said, every gift I gave,
every flower delivered and every song I sang to you.
You thanked me for saying I love you every day.
You left me post-it notes everywhere.
I would find them in my dresser drawer, on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, on
the dashboard of my car, on my guitar, no place was untouched.
There are hundreds of them.
It is so humbling to read your kind words.
You thanked me for every little thing I did, every thing I said, every gift I gave,
every flower delivered and every song I sang to you.
You thanked me for saying I love you every day.
You left me post-it notes everywhere.
I would find them in my dresser drawer, on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, on
the dashboard of my car, on my guitar, no place was untouched.
There are hundreds of them.
You even kept all the ones I gave you over the years.
You reminded me of things and times that I had forgotten.
You reminded me of trips we had taken.
You were so thankful for those moments we had, places we went, feelings we shared.
Oh and the restaurants we explored.
You reminded me of trips we had taken.
You were so thankful for those moments we had, places we went, feelings we shared.
Oh and the restaurants we explored.
These were mostly just your notes to yourself.
They were not letters given to me, just your thoughts.
An account of your life's memories.
They were not letters given to me, just your thoughts.
An account of your life's memories.
So many of the cards you gave me were hand painted.
I used to put them in a box and say “I'm keeping this forever.”
I used to put them in a box and say “I'm keeping this forever.”
I didn't realize there were so many.
That box is so full. Every holiday, every birthday, every event and so many for no reason.
Just a card because you felt like it.
That box is so full. Every holiday, every birthday, every event and so many for no reason.
Just a card because you felt like it.
There are hundreds of them. Reading the letters you wrote to me are humbling.
The endearments about me are overwhelming.
Oh what a lucky man I was.
The endearments about me are overwhelming.
Oh what a lucky man I was.
In the last year I have not been able to celebrate any of the holidays
because you are not here. They all seemed pointless without you.
There was no celebration of Halloween, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas,
New Years, 4th of July, etc.
However, I did celebrate our wedding anniversary with a Champagne.
I spoke to a photograph of you for an hour or so.
Then I celebrated your birthday.
On your last birthday, I bought you a cake with all the candles,
sang to you and then gave the cake away.
because you are not here. They all seemed pointless without you.
There was no celebration of Halloween, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas,
New Years, 4th of July, etc.
However, I did celebrate our wedding anniversary with a Champagne.
I spoke to a photograph of you for an hour or so.
Then I celebrated your birthday.
On your last birthday, I bought you a cake with all the candles,
sang to you and then gave the cake away.
I also went to one of our favorite eateries on your birthday and
ordered some of the entree's you and I liked.
When our food was served, our server asked me if I had been stood up and
wanted to know if she should keep the food warm while I'm waiting.
I smiled and explained I had not been stood up and no need to keep the food warm.
The server looked confused and I didn't feel like going into detail. I just kept smiling.
ordered some of the entree's you and I liked.
When our food was served, our server asked me if I had been stood up and
wanted to know if she should keep the food warm while I'm waiting.
I smiled and explained I had not been stood up and no need to keep the food warm.
The server looked confused and I didn't feel like going into detail. I just kept smiling.
Of course I spent most of that meal in a daze and not able to eat.
I kept trying to imagine you sitting there smiling back at me.
I kept trying to imagine you sitting there smiling back at me.
I'm sure the server was even more confused when I left
and there were two untouched meals.
Oh, how I miss you.
and there were two untouched meals.
Oh, how I miss you.
We had discussed the important things about our life since we knew we weren't going to live forever.
We discussed things like funeral or cremation. We both agreed cremation.
We both agreed on where we wanted our ashes placed. They were the same.
We discussed things like funeral or cremation. We both agreed cremation.
We both agreed on where we wanted our ashes placed. They were the same.
You made it very clear to me if anything were to happen to you, you did not want any type of service. You said you wanted to go out the same way you came in. No party.
You would follow that up with an assurance that you were
going to be alright and for me not to worry.
You would follow that up with an assurance that you were
going to be alright and for me not to worry.
You also made it clear that if for any reason if you ended up in the hospital,
no one should know about it until you get back home.
Why worry people needlessly?
You were just not capable of putting yourself first.
no one should know about it until you get back home.
Why worry people needlessly?
You were just not capable of putting yourself first.
Half of your ashes will be placed somewhere near the bench and the
other half somewhere on Mount Denali, as you requested.
Although it was not part of the original plan, I may put a
some of your ashes at the pine tree you planted.
other half somewhere on Mount Denali, as you requested.
Although it was not part of the original plan, I may put a
some of your ashes at the pine tree you planted.
I 'm not sure what it will be like to part with your ashes.
I have mixed feelings about how I will react to that situation.
The ashes are you and I do not want to let you go a second time.
But it is a task we agreed upon.
I have mixed feelings about how I will react to that situation.
The ashes are you and I do not want to let you go a second time.
But it is a task we agreed upon.
I would give up this life in a heartbeat just to have one more minute with you.
I know that isn't possible and our friends and loved ones remind me of this on a daily basis.
I know that isn't possible and our friends and loved ones remind me of this on a daily basis.
The message is always the same.
Kim would want you to go on, be happy and enjoy life.
When I stop to think about that phrase I am reminded that you were my life.
Kim would want you to go on, be happy and enjoy life.
When I stop to think about that phrase I am reminded that you were my life.
You had the most wonderful smile, that selfless demeanor, that card writing,
gift giving, joke telling disposition of anyone I had ever met.
gift giving, joke telling disposition of anyone I had ever met.
You rarely if ever, missed someone's birthday or celebration.
You were such a card writer.
You were such a card writer.
You would greet anyone anywhere without hesitation.
You had such a huge heart.
You were so confident and caring.
You were fearless.
You had such a huge heart.
You were so confident and caring.
You were fearless.
Something about your calming nature and magic that made me feel so comfortable.
You made me feel like I was somebody. I actually did become a better person just knowing you.
Your smile would make me weak in the knees and gazing into your eyes melted me.
You made me feel like I was somebody. I actually did become a better person just knowing you.
Your smile would make me weak in the knees and gazing into your eyes melted me.
It is sad to not be able to touch you, which is what I long for the most.
We loved each other and we let each other know every day.
What a luck man I was.
We loved each other and we let each other know every day.
What a luck man I was.
I will forever be in your debt for giving me the partnership we had and teaching me so many things.
I have tormented over this emptiness that surrounds me and have felt no other pain like this.
I strive daily to keep one foot in front of the other yet find it very taxing for the first time in my life.
I strive daily to keep one foot in front of the other yet find it very taxing for the first time in my life.
I was so lucky to have held your hand.
You were then and will always be the most beautiful woman on earth as I told you every day.
There will never be another like you.
There will never be another Kim.
There will never be another like you.
There will never be another Kim.
I love you Kim and I always will.
Lover's Point, Pacific Grove, CA